Shame Is The Correct Emotion

When I was in Italy, I noticed something that gave me both a sense of relief and a sense of shame: I was not worried that a gunman with an assault weapon would murder us.

When I noticed these sensations, I felt like I might throw up. And right now, while I’m typing the words, I still feel that way.

Crowds and Guns

Rome is a city of 4.3 million people, and while we were there, it was even busier. Italians from all over the country had poured into the city for the holiday period (which traditionally lasts until Epiphany, a holiday celebrated 12 days after Christmas by some Christians). Plus, Pope Benedict had passed and, as I saw reported on an Italian news channel in the metro, about 250,000 extra people had arrived to pay tribute. Rome was teeming with human beings.

In similar crowded public spaces in the US, I am always aware (so aware) that a mass shooting could easily occur. Not that mass shootings only occur in crowds, but in crowded public spaces, I instinctively calculate that the odds could rise. My anxiety increases as that calculation (accurate or not) starts in my brain. Despite being in the thick of crowds, I was relieved to spend 11 days not thinking about a mass shooting.

And it’s not like I didn’t think about gun violence because there were no guns. Like many large cities worldwide, Rome is the seat of government entities, like embassies and other powerful organizations, that routinely have visibly armed security outside. Plus, some members of Italy’s regular law enforcement are also armed. While in Tuscany, I saw a hunter, orange vest and all. I saw guns. I saw evidence of Italy’s gun culture. But for 11 days, I wasn’t scared there would be a mass shooting.  

Where The Shame Begins

I didn’t want to write about this again. I mean, I fully expected to write about it again; I didn’t want to need to write about it again this soon.

And that’s where the sense of relief ends, and the sense of shame begins.

Of the 11 days we were in Italy, only 2 days, January 2 and January 10, were without gun violence in the US. On one of the days, January 6, a six-year-old boy brought a gun to school and intentionally shot his 25-year-old teacher . . . who then safely ushered all her students out of the classroom while dealing with life-threatening wounds. The most recent high-profile shootings impacting farm workers and the Asian American community in California are just two of the 18 incidents occurring since we got home (I’m writing this on January 25).

Other nations warn their citizens about the dangers of traveling here, the way we issue warnings about places like Somalia or Colombia. (Incidentally, I’ve lived in countries the US issues warnings about, and mass shootings were not among the things I was scared would happen.) Recently, I saw an Instagram post using UN and Gun Violence Archive numbers that compared Ukraine’s civilian casualties since the start of the war with Russia in February 2022 through January 2, 2023, to gun violence casualties, excluding suicide, in the US during 2022. Ukraine’s deaths were 6,919, and the US deaths totaled 20,138.

Facing Reality

As a little girl growing up in a very rural setting, an early interest in connecting with people from other cultures was sparked by my grandmother’s friend, Nada, a Yugoslavian woman with a curious accent (Yugoslavia is now six different countries), my great-grandmother’s extensive National Geographic collection, and a series of cookbooks in my elementary school library, called the “Easy Menu Ethnic Cookbooks,” I was obsessed with. It is still one of my great joys to get into in-depth conversations and share across cultures.

But I was nervous that the Italians we met might ask about the gun violence if the conversation got too far. I wanted to connect, but hopefully not too much. (I feel similarly about explaining why we allowed so many children to be gunned down to my future grandchildren. Will I be a good ancestor or will I be too ashamed for deeper connection?)

And here’s why . . . because we are lying about our “freedom.” We are in denial about fitting comparisons to other countries with extreme violence problems and we’re tolerating conditions worse than a war zone. Not having to think about the possibility of being shot to death every time we’re in public is actual freedom.

And the whole world knows we have put almost no value on human life and a repulsively high value on guns. A sense of shame about our national nightmare isn’t a comfortable emotion, but it is the correct emotion.

Increasing our tolerance for uncomfortable but appropriate emotions is a form of community care. Taking action is more manageable if we face reality and name things correctly.

One Small Thing

Speaking of action, I’m introducing something new on Notes from a Neighbor: One Small Thing.

One Small Thing is our call to a manageable community care step. In the spirit of the “slow, small, simple” approach that I am advocating for as we build this internet neighborhood, with each Monday note, I’ll share a simple action you can take to help.

Currently, just under 700 of you are subscribing to these notes, and about 1,000 of you are reading them. Much of what we face can’t be addressed through individual action, but if 1,000 of us take an action together, the collective impact becomes meaningful.

One Small Thing (for 1/30/23): Join Moms Demand Action today by texting READY to 644-33 or, if you have already joined, share the details for joining with at least one other person today.

You will be prompted to share your zip code so that the organization can connect you to your local chapter. They’ll ask you for your first name, so they can greet you and an email address so that they don’t spam your phone with messages that are too detailed for text. After that, they’ll also share about their app, in case you’d like to take steps through the prompts.

That’s it!! Simple. You don’t have to do more or commit to anything else right now, but joining will decrease paralysis by providing clear information on when and how you can help.   

Let’s keep each other accountable! Leave a comment here when you do the One Small Thing. And tell me, do you feel relief when you don’t have to think about the possibility of a shooting? Does naming the shame surrounding this issue for our country make you want to withdraw? BTW, if you’re a reader from outside the US, please join the conversation. Your perspective is valuable.