The Hard Conversations

Lessons and resources for speaking out

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

Next week will be the one-year anniversary of Notes from a Neighbor. My big, central goal here has been to help shift the conversation about what makes us unwell further upstream and to help us recognize that it will take community care to address those things.

I knew those conversations would be hard. Neighbors, probably some of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had occurred over the last few weeks. The unavoidable reality is that community care sometimes involves tough, uncomfortable work.

I want to use today’s note to share some of the lessons I’ve learned from hard conversations. I also want to offer what I consider to be a very valuable resource that could help all of us improve how we navigate these conversations in the months and years to come.

Lesson 1: Perfection Isn’t Possible

Have you ever made the mistake of not knowing what to say, so you avoided checking in at all with someone? For example, maybe that was someone who lost a family member to COVID, or a Black colleague during the racial justice uprisings in the summer of 2020, or a Muslim neighbor during the height of the last administration’s “Muslim Ban” rhetoric.

I recently had to own the mistake of not checking in and then having to fumble through acknowledgment and apology. We’re all very nervous about saying the wrong thing, which leads to a situation where we say nothing at all. But silence is very often even more damaging.  

Over the years, I’ve learned from many Black educators that perfectionism is a white supremacy value that all of us are steeped in. It is literally impossible to navigate the multiple, overlapping crises we are facing perfectly, especially while we are simultaneously trying to unlearn and relearn, delicately working towards better ways of interacting.  

Whether or not our mistakes were the wrong words or, perhaps worse, no words, the hard conversations mean we might get it wrong, but recognizing that, apologizing, and working to correct is the way forward.

Lesson 2: There will be tension

In recent years, I know many of us have had to make some hard calls about the people we are in community with. Sometimes, the gulf is too wide, and the person on the other side is harmful in a way that cannot be tolerated, but I think more often, there is a need to embrace variation in our stances.

I know that I have probably made some missteps in deciding to cut a few relationships. And it has felt, at times, that others have made a bad call about me.

Especially in progressive circles, we expect an unrealistic level of alignment about the path forward. We need to be asking, “Is this person overall on the ‘same team’?” Are their intentions in the right place? Are we both committed to working hard and learning along the way?

It is not always easy for me, but the longer I do community care activism, the more I realize there absolutely will be tension with and among those fighting for a better world. Again, to the perfectionism problem . . . perfect alignment is not possible.

We must be able to hold tension without throwing away valuable collaborators. Valuable relationships. If we don’t learn to do this, we are squandering the incredible power of solidarity.

Lesson 3: There is a risk of loss

Community care relies on forging connections, and it will not always be possible to preserve every connection while we try to dismantle the structures that are keeping us all unwell. There is a risk of loss of connection, which will be, at best, disappointing and, at worst, extraordinarily painful. I’ve experienced both, sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing over the most agonizing ones.

I notice that white people, especially white women, are often willing to uphold harmful structures, sacrifice collective safety and well-being, and give up on justice in order to avoid this risk of loss. I know I have been guilty of this myself many times.

Shannon Watts

, the founder of Moms Demand Action, describes a lesson she learned in working with Black women (who are at much greater risk of gun violence) this way, “At the end of the day, Black women don’t need allies – they need traitors.”

A future where the health and well-being of all is centered might mean being seen as a traitor and exposing yourself to loss. The best we can do is try to prevent those loss events from wounding so badly that repair or restoration at some other point becomes impossible.

Training for Hard Conversations

Over the last decade-plus, as I moved from my work in the autoimmune space (which was essentially activism over the poor standard of healthcare) toward community care activism, I most often learned how to do this work the hard way, through trial and so many errors. I eventually found books, sites, resources, and educators that helped me immensely. One of the most helpful educators along the way was Nicole Charles, Ph.D.

Dr. Charles and her sister, Amara, now run Embodying Equity, where they teach others how to harness privilege, work through uncomfortable feelings (like vulnerability, despair, guilt, etc.), and begin speaking out effectively for change and justice.

They are offering All The Feels, a two-part workshop series for curious and courageous collaborators, on November 13^th and December 2^nd. I am registered and will be there.

Learning Sponsorship

I’ve also arranged with Dr. Charles to sponsor four additional learners. Both workshops are only $19, but I know that tight financial circumstances are a reality, and especially with the holidays upon us, the extra room might not be in some budgets. If you want to attend but can’t afford it, please reply via email to this newsletter and let me know. There will be no questions asked. I’ll give codes to register for free to the first four folks who contact me.

If you can afford it, I highly recommend taking advantage of the opportunity to learn from these awesome women. As they say, “You don’t have to feel ready, just willing.” You can register here.    

---

Community is medicine. Speaking to each other is how we deliver that medicine. Let’s train ourselves how to navigate even the hardest conversations as well as possible. The health and well-being of us all depend on it.   

---

Many, many hard conversations have happened in recent years. Have you made a mistake, held tension in a valued relationship, or experienced painful losses?

---