Public Service Announcement: You are allowed to be angry. Even fucking angry.
(BTW, research shows that cursing helps us endure physical pain, develop emotional resilience, and share a more authentic identity with others. These are all reasons I let the “fucks fly” when necessary.)
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the East Palestine, Ohio environmental disaster following a train derailment in that community. In that note, I pointed out that sometimes community care is getting “fucking enraged.” This week I want to dig into anger because, over the years, I’ve heard from lots of folks, that it is, in some way or another, wrong to be angry.
Women are the ones who most often tell me that anger is either something they avoid being exposed to or something they are uncomfortable expressing. Pretty unsurprising considering the social messaging women receive about anger. In the last six-seven years, I’ve received messages multiple times from men I don’t know calling me an “bitch” (one man actually said I should have “been aborted with a coat hanger”) when I’ve expressed anger in a social media post. It’s a totally normal reaction for most women to be uncomfortable and avoidant of anger in this environment.
So, let’s dive into this emotion.
Isn’t anger unhealthy?
Actually, that’s not what psychology says about anger. It’s not unhealthy or “bad” to experience anger. Jade Wu, Ph.D., (she used to host the podcast, The Savvy Psychologist, which you might be familiar with), says that anger is an emotion, not a behavior. Things like hostility, violence, and stewing are behaviors that can have negative impacts, but anger is about how people feel.
Dr. Wu explains further that anger is a valid and useful emotion. Emotions are big exclamation points that our brains use to get our attention. Fear warns us about danger, grief tells us we need support, and joy tells us what feels good. Anger tells us that injustice is happening or that we need to take action (in psychology, it is described as an “approach emotion” because it is motivating).
Studies that examine links between anger and health problems frequently show that behaving aggressively or habitually repressing anger is associated with health problems. It’s not experiencing anger that’s the problem; it’s the behaviors.
Anger As Motivation
I don’t know about you, but the idea that anger is motivating makes perfect sense to me. I spent the last decade working almost non-stop to help change the standard of healthcare for autoimmune disease to one that included diet and lifestyle management tools, essentially because I was angry. I often said in social media posts or during podcast interviews during that period that my experience of healthcare for autoimmune disease was bullshit, and I find bullshit highly motivational.
I still find it motivational, but my anger has gone further upstream to the more foundational issues causing us all to be unwell. As Dr. Wu points out, the potential for any of us to allow anger to morph into unhealthy behaviors is there, but we can largely avoid those adverse outcomes by turning anger into fuel.
I call this my “rage converter.” Anger is a motivating force, and violence or repression don’t have to be the behaviors we choose as an outlet for that force. Science shows that we should pay attention to anger because it tells us something must change. For example, writing here at Notes from a Neighbor to increase awareness and encourage collective action is one of my outlets.
Okay, but isn’t it better if women are nice?
Actually, that’s a gender norm that our society enforces. If you are a woman, you are NOT misunderstanding the situation. There IS a double standard when it comes to expressing our anger. There are many studies (here’s just one) showing that when women display anger, they are penalized.
Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, has extensively written and spoken about how society punishes women for anger. Ironically, she says the best way for us to correct this double standard might be to make sure it is safe for men to express a full range of human emotions. Like sadness.
So, just to be clear, you are a human and allowed to experience the full range of human emotions.
Yeah, but Christians Shouldn’t Get Angry
There may be a similar expectation in other faith traditions, but I have witnessed and experienced it in the Christian setting, so I want to address it here. Jesus didn’t teach or model that we can’t experience anger.
While Jesus taught peace and turning the other cheek to our enemies, he also got super pissed off and flipped tables in the temple. From a Christian perspective, there is righteous and unrighteous anger or moral versus immoral anger.
Righteous anger is usually in response to injustices (like in Matthew 21:12-13 where Jesus flips the tables). Unrighteous anger is usually about personal pride. That’s the difference in causes. Righteous anger is aiming for justice and restoration. Unrighteous anger is about destructiveness. That’s the difference in behaviors. (BTW, take a look at other religions. There are likely parallel teachings.)
And with that, we’re full circle on anger. The Bible loops back to modern psychology showing that anger is an emotion, not a behavior, even explicitly highlighting the difference in Ephesians 4:26, which says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Have the emotion, but manage the behavior.
Change What You Can’t Accept
There is nothing wrong with anger. There are multiple, overlapping reasons for many of us to be downright livid right now. Our anger is a flashing red sign saying, “Pay attention!” I’d encourage all my neighbors, especially women, to push beyond norms that prevent you from recognizing and expressing appropriate anger. We can use the anger as fuel for collective efforts that protect and enhance our communities.
Think of Angela Davis, who demonstrated the “anger as fuel” concept when she said, “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.”
One Small Thing
One Small Thing is our call to a manageable community care step. In the spirit of the “slow, small, simple” approach that I am advocating for as we build this internet neighborhood, with each Monday note, I’ll share a simple action you can take to help (including sometimes helping yourself).
One Small Thing (for 3/20/23): Take five minutes to check in with yourself on something you’re angry about, articulate how the anger feels in detail, and determine your comfort level in expressing that anger. Put a reminder on the calendar for 7 days from now to check back in with yourself and assess whether you are ready to turn that anger into action.
Let’s keep each other accountable, comment “checked in” when you do the One Small Thing. And share with the neighborhood, what messages did you receive as a kid about expressing anger? Do you experience anger as a motivational force?
I Am Angry all of the time. And anger is what made and makes me aware. How can we not be angry is my question? Thank you for coming out of a healing space - with AIP and showing how you can express views that might upset people. I am an Enneagram 9 so anger sat below the surface for years. And growing up Evangelical, the “nice girl” teachings stuck with me. Being small and sweet was applauded. Thankfully my parents were outliers in our church and encouraged me to speak up. It took me a few years... my late 40s!
My anger first led me to action during the Muslim ban when I went to DFW airport with a friend to welcome newcomers. I now teach English to families weekly. I also put down my soothing fiction novels and began reading everything I could on theology and justice... listening to voices who walked before me. It was a lonely road at times. I lost friends and made new ones, activists and change makers. I also got involved in voting registration efforts and get out the vote. Church looks different for me now too and that’s ok. It might be gathering with a few friends, teaching ESL, reading or hiking... God or Spirit seems to show up in everything.
There is an amazing organization called March to The Polls - I will share their IG account with you.
My husband and I are also helping with a grassroots effort, Christians Against Christian Nationalism through the BJC (Baptist Joint Committee for Religious Freedom).
There are so many areas to use our anger as fuel.
Thank you for leading the way and giving concrete ways to write, speak and act. 💚💚
Thanks for this, Angie. I really liked this piece. I used to have these sort of "rage fits" due to childhood trauma and repressed emotions. It took me a long time to understand how to direct my anger through more productive channels.
Tbh, I'm still afraid to be angry sometimes, because I spent a long time in the mental health system having people tell me that it wasn't good to be angry or to feel my anger. Repressing anger is one of the quickest ways to flare my AI conditions up though, so -- amongst other reasons -- that's a good motivating force to express my anger in healthier ways (aka not punching a hole in the wall Lol).
I started channeling a lot of my anger through art. For me, art creates a safe space for expressing and processing all kinds of big emotions. I think art and being creative is probably mandatory for healing our world and imaging a greater future.